A Happy Christmas

I think this Christmas may have been the best ever, and it was because I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing, probably for the first time in my adult life. I spent both the 24th and 25th working hospital shifts. I was disappointed when I found out I would be doing another 1:1, but I ended up sitting with a the patriarch of a really great family. It was really a great experience.

My patient’s son was preparing to bring his father home. He knew it was the best thing for his dad, and he and his family is willing to make sacrifices. I spent enough time with the family in those two days to see they could succeed. I was able to provide some insight into the realities of caring for an aging parent based on my own home care experience. There were some things home care could really help out with that the son hadn’t thought about, such as fall risks, personal care assistance, and physical therapy. Not to mention, every caregiver needs to make sure they have respite care so they can get out and do things for themselves. I even researched the home care benefits that his military insurance will provide. It was one of those days were I felt like I provided really great patient care.

The census was low so I got the chance to chat with the nurses, and the other tech switched off with me while my patient was sleeping so I could have some time on the floor. There was great food, and everyone was in a good mood. I was off at 1900 each night, so I had the evening with my kid, but I skipped the whole mama-drama that goes on every year. Of course, my mom won’t speak to me now, but I’m not sure that’s such a bad thing right now. She has been really harsh about how my relationship with Jay is just some kind of manic episode, and how it’s ruining my academic career (well, I did get an A minus in Pharm). It’s such a buzz kill, Mommy!

So this is Christmas

My sister is dating a soldier in the Army (she couldn’t snag a Navy sailor, so she had to settle, poor girl) Her beau is currently stationed in Iraq. Today, it his him that is foremost on my mind, along with all the men and women over there in harm’s way. I cannot begin to imagine what it’s like to spend the holidays in some foreign desert (in some cases for the second or even third time). I can only be grateful by their sacrifice, and humbled by their bravery.

Best. Christmas. Ever.

I worked this Christmas, and it was the best Christmas I can remember. Maybe is seems harsh, considering I spent the holiday with strangers (after all, I didn’t know the patients or the staff before yesterday), but I was exactly where I wanted to be on Christmas day, probably for the first time in my adult life.

I was sitting with an Alzheimer’s patient for both days, and the night nurse told me the family had decided to bring the father home. I knew this was the best option, but I also knew that there was a lot to consider, and even the most committed family could use some support. My patient was ex-military, so I went to the TRICARE website and found out what kind of home care benefits he is entitled to, and what agencies in the area provide them. I was able to speak at length with my patient’s son about some of the realities of his father’s condition, and what home health care could provide in terms of personal care and respite for the family. It was all rather spontaneous, but I felt like I was really helpful. This was one of those great families that every elderly person should have step up for them.

His family had been there all day, and they are taking him home tomorrow, but his AD makes it hard for him to track time, so he was getting real lonely and sad. He was tired from all the activity of the day, and he wanted to rest but was finding it really hard to settle down, so I was just sitting with him in the dark, kind of holding his hand. He finally fell asleep, and it was real quiet and calm his room, and I was started thinking how how lucky I am that I am in the position to give him a little comfort, and I felt almost euphoric, and I realized that my life is actually going to be like this. That this state of joy could be my new baseline things could go up and down but if I want, this is where the setpoint can be, does that make any sense at all?

Who’s that girl?

So…remember yesterday how I said I wasn’t going to be that girl? That I was not going to have a problem with my brand new beau taking off to rendezvous with an ex-girlfriend he has felt the need to hang on to since he was sixteen? I was going to be the totally secure, cool girlfriend that is down with whatever her man wanted to do because she knows she’s loved. Nope. I was so wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

I am totally that girl.

Believe me, I have been trying like h-e-double-hockey-sticks not to be bothered, but as Brian gets closer to NJ, my anxiety level keeps rising. He should get there tomorrow night, and by then I may have to be hospitalized. The problem is, of course, that voicing my concerns could end up making things worse; because she is his best friend, he’s as likely to turn to her as anyone else if I bring it up (which must be why I am taking the passive/aggressive route and ranting on my blog instead of discussing it with him like a grown-up).

Yep. I am officially fifteen again…no, thirteen.

In the end, I don’t even know what I expect from Brian. He had this trip planned before he even met me; I never expected him to change his plans. He seems truly perplexed that I may have a problem with any of this, which only makes me feel even sillier. Honestly, I’m not even sure if any of this has anything to with him or even his XGF/BFF per se, or if it’s just my desire to protect this fledgling relationship that is so important to me, from any interference, real or imagined.

Gawd I hate fcuking Christmas! As if there aren’t people out there with real problems! Maybe emptying a few colostomy bags will give me back some perspective. I’m just going to pick up every hospital shift until the New Year, and just stop thinking about Brian, his little witch doctor, and this whole stupid holiday. Brian’ll be back in January and everything will be okay and we can live happily ever after. No harm, no foul, right?

So this is Christmas…

No matter what you think of the war, there are still soldiers in the Middle East that are in harm’s way every day. These are our men and women (and often they are more like boys and girls), and they are risking their lives so we can have the freedom to disagree with what they are doing over there. They don’t need yellow ribbons on the back of your SUV, they need to know we still support them.

Even the most basic supplies are scarce in some places: cold weather gear, personal hygiene items, and snacks. Of course, you don’t have to send supplies. Cards and letters mean a lot to these guys as well; especially now, when they are so far away from home during the holidays. The folks at AnySoldier.com have an excellent arrangement with some dedicated servicemen overseas who have committed to distributing supplies, letters, and treats to those in their units that may not have a lot of family support.

Everyone who has been anywhere near me in the last few weeks knows about my crush on a certain sailor, and even though he is nowhere near the conflict right now, I still get bouts of panic thinking of the possibility. My heart goes out to everyone who has a loved one fighting over there now. You, too, are heroes, sharing your sons and daughters, husbands and wives.

Putting together a care package is a great holiday activity for the family, and it teaches kids about the true meaning of Christmas. I think it does, anyway. Not totally clear on the whole “meaning of Christmas” thing. We heathens tend to spread out the love and charity throughout the year instead of saving it all for the last week in December. I do remember something about the meaning of Christmas on some Charlie Brown special…or maybe it was a pumpkin…but I digress.

Bah Humbug!!

Have I mentioned I hate Christmas? Because I REALLY hate Christmas. I don’t remember when it started. Like many things in my life, it has seeped in insidiously. If I didn’t have children, I would ignore Christmas altogether. As it is, I have forgone presents in favor of a large donation to an African AIDS charity. This has helped a little, but only a little.
I still feel so useless. I have missed as many shifts as I have made it to the ED, I stopped going to Maslin and no one noticed, and even though Grillo is going better, I don’t feel like I am doing much of anything. Chinook Clubhouse is looking for someone to lead teambuilding activities with clients. This could be quite fulfilling and not too time-intensive, and I’m sure I can do it. My mom could even help. She would get a lot out of it, I think.

Freud said the purpose of psychotherapy was to transform hysterical misery into ordinary unhappiness. I thought I was past even unhappiness to something close to joy, but being happy takes so much energy, especially when I am surrounded by unhappiness. I know this is my struggle, my challenge, to move forward when it isn’t fun or interesting. To keep my grades up, my thoughts positive, and my life stable when I feel unattractive, unwanted and antisocial. I am talking all my classes online this Spring, and this could be a disaster for me if I do not stay active. It would be easy to hide in the house and never interact with anyone but my kids.